Redefining myself - who am i?

Warning you before you read!

This is gonna be maybe tearful, maybe too straight-forward, fragile, open, harsh, gentle, weirdly honest or all at once and then something more. So read at your own risk of finding out more about me or what is happening in my head.
Oh and it's long. Because i like to say everything with a lot of words when i write. 

Oh, still here? Okay, read on then.

Few weeks ago in my church pastor Nick was speaking about joy, and then he asked his wife to share something. And that something hit me really hard. She (Olivia) spoke how she didn't cared if she died or not, until God worked on her heart and let her know that basically “how dare you to think that way?!” and that all of us, we are irreplaceable. Yep, that's what she said. As streams of tears run down my face and I reached for tissues, again, I understood, how much pain was still left inside me. Pain from the past.

I used to be suicidal, if you didn't know. I was depressed. Well I am. Well, now I really don't know, if I am, but I know that I was worse then, than I am now. And I am still struggling at times. With sadness, loneliness and all that. I don't want to kill myself anymore. And I don't want to say that I am depressed, because I want to be free of that.
Anyway, as I sat there, hearing Olivia speak about that, it hit me. It hit me, how I didn't care about myself. Not really. Not as I should. How I help others, try to be there for others, always others. Yes, I know, it may sound superficial, if i'd say that I really should think of me too, but hear me out (read me out in this case). When you constantly think of others, serve others, help others, you never get the chance to process your own things. Never get the chance to think how to care or pamper yourself.
A week later, Tanya spoke about joy also (sermon series we have). And she shared about how she used to be suicidal. And I see God connecting dots here. Often God speaks to me slowly, with little things here and there. I see that as a silver thread sewing little pieces togehter.
And yet again, me reaching for tissues. Because I know the struggles, I know the darkness that suicidal thoughts cause. The sadness, the feeling of loneliness, like nobody would care. But oh how wrong that is and was.
But all that lead me to self-image and body-image issues. Well not lead me there, but reminded me of it. Society around me, and people have hurt me. And at times, I see myself as a broken person, in pieces, shattered inside. Trying my best to put on a brave face, to keep it together. To be happy, joyful, serving, helpful, loving. Yet, I keep that all inside, because I don't know if the person right in front of me would care to hear all that. And after all, I need to focus on them. Not to be selfish, not to talk about myself too much, be humble. Wait, stop! I can't do everything at once. Yes, no. Maybe I can. I have tried. Oh, I have tried so hard. And failed. And tried, and failed and failed and tried. But still, I haven't managed to fit into that role – be a christian AND a woman AND a servant AND a disciple, a daughter, sister, friend and everything else I need to and want to be. I fail. But who? The question is who do I fail? And guess what? The answer is me. I fail me. My standards have gone up too high. For myself. And i can't reach them.

Society tells me and people have told me too – you should and you have to lose weight. Wear this! Wear make-up and heels and dresses and jewelry and all that to be a woman. More exercise to fit in and to be accepted, to be loved and cherished and noticed. What, no make-up? Who are you anyway? No gym membership? What is wrong with you? You are eating chocolate? And cakes? What is the matter with you? Those lies keep piling up in our heads and we lose our identities. Who am I then? 

Bible tells us to not conform to the patterns of this world, but how do you stand against that? I mean practically, in every single day of my life? I know the answers in my head (read your Bible, pray, and all that), but my heart seems to be far from my head (or maybe there's trouble in the connection between those too). I struggle to accept myself. The way I am. I judge myself so harshly. I don't like this or that with myself. Choosing what to wear every single day is a battle that I have to have with myself either in the mornings when i choose my clothes and it takes too much time, or in the evening, rarely, to choose the clothes in advance, only to end up changing my mind in the morning. With the whispers in my head. To cover the things I don't like. To show, what I still do like. No, not like. But don't hate that much. I have hated myself for eating the wrong things. I have judged myself harshly for not exercising enough.
Or even in my christian life. The feeling that I haven't read the Bible enough, or prayed enough, or haven't focused enough when I have read the Bible, or that I can't remember what I read. Feeling that I am failing as a christian. As a woman. As a friend. Writing and thinking of this happens with tears streaming down my cheeks, and no, I don't reach for tissues. I already have a pile of them. I have cried again. But it's okay. I don't want to be tough enough. I am emotional person and i am trying to be okay with that. If you've seen me, you mostly know me as a cheerful, joyful and bubbly person. But I am not always that. There's the struggles. Everyone has them.

But who am i then? What are my standards, what is enough? 

Oh, and for those people who criticize others. Just don't. You don't know how hard it is to be that person. What they are going through, or what your comment - about their hair, face, clothes, size, weight, whatever - will do to them. Be nice okay?! Thanks! And forgive me, if that person has been me. I make mistakes. I am human. And i'm sorry for criticizing people.

If you have struggled similarly. Be it with sadness, or self-image or whatever. Know that -
1. You are not alone! Every single person in this planet struggles with something. Yep, that's why we are humans. To struggle, to make mistakes, to learn.
2. God has stuff to say here.

Let this be a prayer or your statement to yourself. I have it written next to this laptop here, on a piece of paper on my wall. And I try to say this every day to myself, or as a prayer, out loud, so that i'd believe that against those lies, false standards and fake ideas of who i should be. 

I AM:
Deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God. I am a child of a King! I am beautifully and wonderfully made! I am strong and courageous and smart! I belong to a family who follow Jesus. I am important. I am irreplaceable. I am valued. I have a purpose.

Oh and one more thing. No matter what you do, or have done, or will do in the future, can change the fact that God loves you. Nothing can change that. He just loves you and me and everyone else. Just because.

Can you say that out loud? To yourself. Yes. Do that. Sometimes we know that in our heads. But saying it out loud makes it more real. Makes it true. Somehow. Not sure how, but words have power like that. If you want or need to, repeat. Until you believe. And I will do the same.

I still smile, laugh and joke, even when there are struggles. I hope you can do that too. I hope you have a blessed day and you notice the little or big blessings that God puts in your life. 

Did you hear that bird singing in the morning? Or felt that sunshine and warm breeze? Or got home just before the rain? Or saw that amazing sunset or sunrise? That's Him, taking care of you. Small blessings.

Hey, and can you do me a favour? Smile a little more :) To a stranger, if you dare to. If you are in Estonia, they will look at you strangely, but hey, then you can giggle about that. And that might make your day better in the end. And if you struggle, don't hold it all in until you explode to a random person who asks "Hye, how are you?" or before you do something you shouldn't. Tell someone. Or don't tell, but don't be shy to ask for prayer. I can pray for you. Or listen to you. No matter who you are. Or what's wrong. Sometimes all you need is a listening ear to let everything out.

If you've made it here, thanks for reading. Not sure if this encouraged you, or just made you think, or cry (sorry, didn't mean to!), or made you want to run the other way, but oh well. That's what i just wanted to blurt out to the internet.

But know that you are loved! By the Creator of this universe. Yep, the Almighty God loves you. Yes! He does. Even when we are sometimes slow to understand that.

Oh and two things more. Songs to end this off...

That's Jason Gray - Remind me who I am.

AND second one is Casting Crowns - Who am I


Bye now.

Blessing from a sunday afternoon

Through the years i've had a lot of different blogs, but haven't had one lately that would be in my name. For several reasons i have blogged under a hidden name for a while now. But at the same time, i so wish to share my thoughts and words with friends and people i know. So here's an attempt to do that.
***

The usual sunday for me means, i get up at around 5:30 or 6am, i know-i know, why so early? Well, because i am really slow at waking up. I take my time to have a warm drink and let my brain slowly get awakened. So same as usual, i got up. But this time, i have a headache. And have had that for a week now. (And yes, i have already heard that i should a) take a painkiller; b) go to a doctor; c) take a sick leave; d) rest.) But still counting on God to answer mine and my friends prayers for this.
Anyway, it's really hard to do anything with a headache. And those who know me, know that i am usually cheery, smiling, energetic person who tries her best to be shining light to everyone around her. But right now i have tried to hide behind sunglasses and when i am home and not doing anything important - hiding under my blanket in bed in a dark room.
So anyway, got up, had herbal tea and breakfast. (trying to stay away from caffeine to see if that helps the headache to leave) And off to work. And i do get to work rather early, because that's where i usually have my time with God. Read my Bible, devotional, my disciple book and journal and pray. Chill out and chat with Jesus. It's a really good place to do that, especially on work days.
But hey, here's me with a headache and tyring to focus on reading. Nope, didn't work. So giving myself a break and refusing to take on that guilt of not getting time with God done properly, i instead listened to worship music and just relaxed.

So after work i went to my church. Oh i love these people in my church! So after team prayer, i stepped into my normal position there as a greeter on one of the doors.
Yes, i have a headache. But i still serve, as best i can. Brave/stubborn estonians you know. Anyway, i do my best to greet people, and there weren't many this time. One of the girls who is rather new i think, went out and said "i'll be back soon". To which i replied "okay! Good to know!" :) And off she went.

She indeed came back rather quickly munching on something. So here's me being cheesy as our pastor suggested "there you are!" wink wink ;) Also asking if she went out to eat.  And laughing with her. She laughed. Nice to make people laugh right? So anyway, we briefly spoke about Alpha retreat and how i wished i could come, because by the talk of it, it sure sounded fun! But finances aren't that great for me right now. So she said she just came from the ATM to get finances for the Alpha retreat coming up.
So anyway, service started and passed, me trying to focus with a headache. After the service the girl comes to me and says: "Hey, you know i said i went to get money for Alpha retreat and you said you wish you could come, but can't afford?" Me: " yeah?"
So she goes on to explain how she got double what she wanted from the ATM, go figure how, BUT she offered to pay for me! What? Me asking: "are you sure?!" And she sure was sure. What a blessing! I mean, i've never been on a retreat before. I've been on Alpha course several times, and helped to organize them. But never had anything like this before. So now, i am so humbled, grateful and super excited about that! And just had to write about that! Whoop whoop! :)

Oh and yes, the headache is still here. But that doesn't stop me from being excited on the inside.

Reminds me of a verse in James 1: 2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

 Yes it's hard to see blessings when you feel like you have a personal dark cloud walking with you - the headache. Or when life just seems to throw sticks and stones at you. But they are there. I just encourage you to pray to notice them.

And also that verse, helps us to remember, that there sure are a lot of worries, troubles, tragedies, heartaches in life, and they keep coming BUT there is also a good result from it. It sure will make us stronger! And helps us grow. Bonus points if you learn to be joyful in the midst of troubles! :)

***
Another lady from church asked me how i am. And sure i could've answered: "i'm fine" which would be okay most times, because that's what people usually do. But i said, i have a headache. And explained to her what was going on. Turns out she has studied medical stuff for four years and asked me where the pain was and what could cause it and then took the time to pray for me! I can tell a lot of people about how it hurts, how i don't know what to do with it, how it occupies me and distracts me, but not many take the time to pray. After all we are christians and we are called to help each other out, even if it is a simple prayer. I really appreciate an active church like that. Where i know i see christians living their faith, being active and serving. Such blessings in my sunday afternoons to have brothers and sisters of Christ surround you and be there for you. Each in their own way, in their own time. Some pray for you, some encourage you, some invade your personal space to kiss you on your forehead (and you don't mind), some just smile to you. But i love that church and these people! I count myself blessed!

Well there we go. One post, one blog, one woman. Randomly sharing what is on my mind and heart.


 God bless you!
*Mirjam *